I don't fit in
I would like to start this post with a little disclaimer. This is a continuation of this post where I contemplated about friendship. You don't have to read it, but it could give you a slightly clearer picture about me.
Losing my last friend soon
2 days ago, I got my high school diploma. For some reason, we had to wait a couple of weeks for a piece of paper to be printed. Ridiculous, but at this point I don't care. I made it, the 4 years of torture are over. Anyways, as I saw all my classmates at the gathering, it made me think about my recent solitude. I now officially don't have any friends or people to talk to. I have my parents, but no like-minded peers, or any peers for that matter. There's technically one “friend” left, and that is Thomas, but since he will move to a different city in a couple of months. We won't talk as much as we used to. I mean, not like there's anything interesting to talk about with him. As I mentioned in my last post, I didn't view him as a friend, more like a superb classmate.
About friends and switching schools
In the past few weeks, I really become content with being alone. I got used to it and now actually kind of like it. I've been lonely my whole life, basically. Likewise, I was a bit of a late bloomer, which certainly did not help with making friends. I was acting very strange and perhaps too childish for my age. I didn't like to be constrained by rules and was very reactive. This got me in all sorts of trouble, but I wasn't a troubled child, I think… As a child, I had a few learning disabilities, which resulted in having to change a school a few times. The first time, it was because my teacher didn't accept my dyslexia or whatever I had as a valid reason to make my tests easier. So I transferred to a sort of religious school which was using the Waldorf style of education. Which was easy, but felt more like a kindergarten than an actual education center. So I switched again to a school that was actually okay and that I finally finished. Oh, and before that, I was being homeschooled for a year or so.
Sooo yeah, not many opportunities to make friends. In my last elementary school where I've been the longest. Most of my classmates were heavily focused on sports and playing League of Legends. Sports were nothing for me, and I did give a LoL a try, but it wasn't very entertaining. It was fun with classmates sometimes, but not really. We played CS:GO occasionally too, which was less repetitive and more fun, but that didn't last very long. We stopped gaming together and doing any after school activities, so I was back in my room alone with my computer and my computer friends from across the world.
Online friends aren't really friends
Having online friends wasn't that bad. At least I learned to speak and communicate in English better. The problem with online friends though is, that once you stop playing that one specific game or set of games. You eventually stop talking to each other since you no longer share the same interest. Which can happen with real friendships too, don't get me wrong, but it's less likely if you have more than one common interest (gaming in this case).
High school
In high school, I was again a little eccentric, but I believe that I did a lot better in a new collective than I did in elementary. This time I was in a presence of big losers. Two faced snakes that got together even though probably hated each other as much as they did me. It was very hilarious to me to watch them gossip about each other as soon as someone went to the bathroom during the break. People obsessed with being high status and luxury brands. Even though they didn't have the money for it. There was this website called Pandabuy where they were buying fake clothes and shoes just to look like they had the money. One of them was a real royal jester. He was so obsessed with owning a Mercedes that in the 3rd or 4th year he bought a used 14-year-old Mercedes that broke down not even a month after the purchase and needed a transmission change. I'm not a mischievous person, but this was so hilarious given his personality and attitude towards others.
Practically, the whole class was either addicted to nicotine or alcohol, or both. So that was one of the main motives why they were hanging out. I don't abuse any substances, but caffeine, so that was +1 reason for being uncool, I suppose. Oh! And TikTok! These lunatics really loved erasing their brains with the latest brainrot social media has to offer. They were very vocal about that fact, too. During breaks and classes, they were watching this garbage on full volume.
I like spending time with myself now
Back to my solitude, tho. I simply started liking being by myself. I do enjoy my own company. There's this one thing that's bothering me a little, though. How can I/will I meet new people? Sure, as of now I don't feel like I need anyone's company, but what about the future? How will I find a girlfriend? Basically, the only time I go out is to the gym. I don't go to nightclubs, I don't drink, I don't go to any music festivals because I see no point in that since I don't listen to any local bands, I don't do anything interesting. At least that's what I think. Maybe I have something to offer that I just can't recollect, or possibly this is an opportunity to be more intriguing. Find new hobbies outside the IT world. Or something…
I hope this post wasn't too chaotic. I really wanted to get a few things off my chest, and I think writing this post helped me a lot.
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